Hi Buddies,
Recently, the reason that I haven't been posting as much has become apparent to me. Yes, it has to do with laziness, and yes, it has to do with procrastination, but frankly there is more to it than that. I think I really have friends!
That may sound odd, but I mean it. You see, ever since I moved to Montreal with Lindsey, I never really felt like I had very close friends here. Sure, I had fun with people and enjoyed them, but I never felt like I was connecting with people. As a reference, check out Thursday, September 29, 2005: Those Weak of Heart and Mind, Stop Here.
But now, I really feel like I have close friends here. I've really developed deep and meaningful connections with a lot of people. I talk openly and honestly with people, I am candid about my emotions with them, and they reciprocate! I have friends I talk to about sexuality, friends I talk to about relationships, friends I talk to about my feelings, friends I talk to about epic fantasy novels (Holla, Vinny!). I have friends that openly talk about the last time they cried! Its wonderful. It makes life feel fuller.
Of course it also has side effects. It has taken its toll of my blog. In the beginning my blog transformed very quickly from a random thought depository into a way for me to communicate my feelings in general to all those that cared. It really helped me deal with my recent tragedy with Lindsey.
And perhaps that's the very reason I have started opening up to friends. No longer having one consistent person to always turn to, I've needed to cope. So, I've moved away from just blogging to actually talking to people. It's quite a novel idea...talking to people face to face rather than writing a virtual diary that is open to anyone for reading.
Anyway, I wanted to use this space today to thank all my friends here in Montreal. You know who you are...and I don't, so I don't want to list you all and forget someone. But you are all very special to me. You've made my life a pleasure these past few months.
Ironically, this all had to happen just before I leave Montreal for good and perhaps never see some of you again. My friends are such important parts of my life, I don't want to look back in a couple months when I'm gone and have to think of them as "my college friends". How could these important figures ever fall under the generic boring and distant label "college friends"?
[Insert Sentimental Ending Note]
[Burst into tears dramatically]
[Exeunt]
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Fresh Starts
Hello?
Today I was walking home, down the quiet street of Villeneuve, and I was listening to Beck's Odelay. Suddenly, I could here a loud ringing over the cool funk-country-alt-rock-white-soul rhythms of Beck. I lifted my headphones and my eardrums embraced the loving sound of church bells. In this most Catholic of cities, one little Jew found himself surrounded by the celebratory sounds of Easter bells ringing, and that little Jew was content. At that point I decided I needed a fresh start to things. Hey, if Jesus can, why not me?
So here I am. I want to start a new path of my life. On my current path I am a procrastinator, a hard-freakin-core procrastinator. I adjusted my life and routines until now around that fact. I did the minimal work necessary throughout all my schooling and waited until the last moment to complete that work. I would always put things off until people were breathing down my neck. But I've now entered an important phase of life where deadlines have simply ceased to be. All of a sudden I must be self-motivated. For the past four months, though, I've still been trying to avoid facing up to this fact. Hell, I've been procrastinating writing in my blog!
So, listening to those loud pure tones ringing across the city, I had a little revelation. I am going to start doing things. There are too many hours in the day wasted. There are too many times I know exactly what I could be doing and not doing it. I'm sick of laying in bed at night knowing exactly what I am not doing. You know the expression, "How do you sleep at night?" Well, I actually have trouble sleeping at night with the guilt I lay upon myself for procrastinating so much. But no more!
I have a job where I need to work on my own time, and I try to procrastinate. I could be making buttloads of money, literally buttloads, but I make the minimum because I procrastinate. No more!
I am currently the head of a summer camp. As summer approaches I have more and more responsibilities piling up which I try to put off. In the end, the camp will suffer. No more!
I am moving to New York in August to begin my tenure as the Mazkir (General Secretary, Executive Director, etc.) of my youth movement. It is a privileged position which I can use to make positive changes in the movement, nay, the world! Or I could procrastinate and let the movement remain stagnant for two years. No more!
In a few hours I am walking to Dan's house for Easter brunch. I will enter a new man. People will see me and bask in the light of...of...what's the opposite of procrastination? The light of getting shit done!
Today I was walking home, down the quiet street of Villeneuve, and I was listening to Beck's Odelay. Suddenly, I could here a loud ringing over the cool funk-country-alt-rock-white-soul rhythms of Beck. I lifted my headphones and my eardrums embraced the loving sound of church bells. In this most Catholic of cities, one little Jew found himself surrounded by the celebratory sounds of Easter bells ringing, and that little Jew was content. At that point I decided I needed a fresh start to things. Hey, if Jesus can, why not me?
So here I am. I want to start a new path of my life. On my current path I am a procrastinator, a hard-freakin-core procrastinator. I adjusted my life and routines until now around that fact. I did the minimal work necessary throughout all my schooling and waited until the last moment to complete that work. I would always put things off until people were breathing down my neck. But I've now entered an important phase of life where deadlines have simply ceased to be. All of a sudden I must be self-motivated. For the past four months, though, I've still been trying to avoid facing up to this fact. Hell, I've been procrastinating writing in my blog!
So, listening to those loud pure tones ringing across the city, I had a little revelation. I am going to start doing things. There are too many hours in the day wasted. There are too many times I know exactly what I could be doing and not doing it. I'm sick of laying in bed at night knowing exactly what I am not doing. You know the expression, "How do you sleep at night?" Well, I actually have trouble sleeping at night with the guilt I lay upon myself for procrastinating so much. But no more!
I have a job where I need to work on my own time, and I try to procrastinate. I could be making buttloads of money, literally buttloads, but I make the minimum because I procrastinate. No more!
I am currently the head of a summer camp. As summer approaches I have more and more responsibilities piling up which I try to put off. In the end, the camp will suffer. No more!
I am moving to New York in August to begin my tenure as the Mazkir (General Secretary, Executive Director, etc.) of my youth movement. It is a privileged position which I can use to make positive changes in the movement, nay, the world! Or I could procrastinate and let the movement remain stagnant for two years. No more!
In a few hours I am walking to Dan's house for Easter brunch. I will enter a new man. People will see me and bask in the light of...of...what's the opposite of procrastination? The light of getting shit done!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Asking For Sense
Yo,
So there is this neat little service (that is free at the moment) in which you send in any question, ANY question, and it sends you back two human generated responses. It's so neat, I really like it. Just send an email to q@askforcents.com
It may be apparent to some people, but I can get pretty bitter about this whole "relationship end" thing. So, I decided to send a question in to ol' Q to see what he/she has to say about it.
Q: Why did she leave me?
A1: She found someone else she liked better.
Woah! How the hell could they know that context free? Is my story so boring and overdone that the simple unprovoked question of why she left elicits my exact situation?
A2: The hour was up.
A little less specific, but no less applicable to my life. Lindsey certainly had up and decided that the time had come and she didn't want to be with me anymore, she didn't love me anymore.
Anyway, then I decided to dig deeper. I asked about my future instead of my past.
Q: Should I make the next move, or does she really not want to be in a relationship?
A1: Move on, she is done with you
A2: Try first, if it doesn't work, there's no hard feelings
Uh oh, cognitive dissonance!
Anyway, for you, my readers', pleasure, a more frivolous question:
Q: Who is the prettiest celebrity of them all and where can I find a decent picture of him/her?
A1: Isabella Rossellini
A2: Scarlet Johansson
And, lastly, I leave you with a question -
Q: I have a $300 plane ticket to anywhere, and I have to book by Feb. 27th. Where should I go?
A: ...
So there is this neat little service (that is free at the moment) in which you send in any question, ANY question, and it sends you back two human generated responses. It's so neat, I really like it. Just send an email to q@askforcents.com
It may be apparent to some people, but I can get pretty bitter about this whole "relationship end" thing. So, I decided to send a question in to ol' Q to see what he/she has to say about it.
Q: Why did she leave me?
A1: She found someone else she liked better.
Woah! How the hell could they know that context free? Is my story so boring and overdone that the simple unprovoked question of why she left elicits my exact situation?
A2: The hour was up.
A little less specific, but no less applicable to my life. Lindsey certainly had up and decided that the time had come and she didn't want to be with me anymore, she didn't love me anymore.
Anyway, then I decided to dig deeper. I asked about my future instead of my past.
Q: Should I make the next move, or does she really not want to be in a relationship?
A1: Move on, she is done with you
A2: Try first, if it doesn't work, there's no hard feelings
Uh oh, cognitive dissonance!
Anyway, for you, my readers', pleasure, a more frivolous question:
Q: Who is the prettiest celebrity of them all and where can I find a decent picture of him/her?
A1: Isabella Rossellini
A2: Scarlet Johansson
And, lastly, I leave you with a question -
Q: I have a $300 plane ticket to anywhere, and I have to book by Feb. 27th. Where should I go?
A: ...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A Painful Step
Hi There,
Well, as I have climbed my Summit of Sadness, I've had to take one painful step after another. I guess that's how a Sadness Summit works.
A few days ago I was talking to a close friend who keeps in touch with Lindsey and she told me that Lindsey is still seeing this guy, which is the whole reason I got angry. It sounds trite and shallow when breezed over in my blog, but believe me, quite the story goes along with it. Anyway, finding this out left me feeling new feelings. I knew that had I ever felt like talking to Lindsey I would only want to ask her about him, which is a shitty thing that's not worth talking about anyway. So, finding this out now put me in a position where I knew the answer and wouldn't have to ask Lindsey were I ever to talk to her.
This set in motion a few events. Firstly, I immediately broke down into tears. It was a good cry, one that was a long time coming. It felt good, letting myself be swept over by so much of my pent up pain and unhappiness. Without my wall of anger, the levies disappeared and I was flooded with salty sadness.
Secondly, I realized I wasn't as angry anymore. My anger was truly turning into plain old sadness, a much more manageable emotion for me. I had accepted that whatever Lindsey did, it was her decision and she obviously made the right decision for her if she is still with the guy. So, what was there to be angry about? The Lindsey I knew and loved ceased to be, and this new Lindsey had no problem tearing my heart to shreds in order to make a decision that ultimately seemed to make her happier.
Thirdly, I got in touch with Lindsey and asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee. It was a bold move, but I feel like I am ready to normalize relations. One other catalyst for this event was that a bunch of my close friends gathered in Toronto this past weekend, and it was so clear that I should have been there and the only reason I wasn't was because of the stupid break-up.
So, last night I met with Lindsey face to face just to chat for the first time in three months.
To be brief, it went better than I ever could have expected. There was no yelling, there was no arguing. There was honestly, there was a bit of crying, and there was just nice talking. It started out as just small talk, but I was making a concious effort not to be emotionally distant like I had been in the previous times I ran into her. Eventually I steered the conversation into talking about US.
I capitalized that to make it seem like a big deal. And it was. We hadn't talked about US for months. She asked why I had been so angry for so long, and I told her exactly how I felt my trust had been broken. I told her that I realized there are no good answers to my questions, and that they are better asked rhetorically. She asked for an example. I gave an example - Why was it suddenly an OK decision to hide her true feelings about this guy even though our relationship was built on and functioned quite well on the basic precept of honesty and openness?
Lindsey said some interesting things. She told me that I was a perfect boyfriend. I did everything right and that's why things were so difficult for her to figure out towards the end. She also told me that things may be obscured by the fact that she has been in a pseudo-relationship with this guy since our break-up, but she wanted to reassure me that she was confident that was not the reason she ended the relatiobship.
I told her that I have no reason to trust her when she says that.
We both cried, but in the end I truly believe that it was a good experience.
Hopefully this painful step will take me quite a bit closer to that summit.
Well, as I have climbed my Summit of Sadness, I've had to take one painful step after another. I guess that's how a Sadness Summit works.
A few days ago I was talking to a close friend who keeps in touch with Lindsey and she told me that Lindsey is still seeing this guy, which is the whole reason I got angry. It sounds trite and shallow when breezed over in my blog, but believe me, quite the story goes along with it. Anyway, finding this out left me feeling new feelings. I knew that had I ever felt like talking to Lindsey I would only want to ask her about him, which is a shitty thing that's not worth talking about anyway. So, finding this out now put me in a position where I knew the answer and wouldn't have to ask Lindsey were I ever to talk to her.
This set in motion a few events. Firstly, I immediately broke down into tears. It was a good cry, one that was a long time coming. It felt good, letting myself be swept over by so much of my pent up pain and unhappiness. Without my wall of anger, the levies disappeared and I was flooded with salty sadness.
Secondly, I realized I wasn't as angry anymore. My anger was truly turning into plain old sadness, a much more manageable emotion for me. I had accepted that whatever Lindsey did, it was her decision and she obviously made the right decision for her if she is still with the guy. So, what was there to be angry about? The Lindsey I knew and loved ceased to be, and this new Lindsey had no problem tearing my heart to shreds in order to make a decision that ultimately seemed to make her happier.
Thirdly, I got in touch with Lindsey and asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee. It was a bold move, but I feel like I am ready to normalize relations. One other catalyst for this event was that a bunch of my close friends gathered in Toronto this past weekend, and it was so clear that I should have been there and the only reason I wasn't was because of the stupid break-up.
So, last night I met with Lindsey face to face just to chat for the first time in three months.
To be brief, it went better than I ever could have expected. There was no yelling, there was no arguing. There was honestly, there was a bit of crying, and there was just nice talking. It started out as just small talk, but I was making a concious effort not to be emotionally distant like I had been in the previous times I ran into her. Eventually I steered the conversation into talking about US.
I capitalized that to make it seem like a big deal. And it was. We hadn't talked about US for months. She asked why I had been so angry for so long, and I told her exactly how I felt my trust had been broken. I told her that I realized there are no good answers to my questions, and that they are better asked rhetorically. She asked for an example. I gave an example - Why was it suddenly an OK decision to hide her true feelings about this guy even though our relationship was built on and functioned quite well on the basic precept of honesty and openness?
Lindsey said some interesting things. She told me that I was a perfect boyfriend. I did everything right and that's why things were so difficult for her to figure out towards the end. She also told me that things may be obscured by the fact that she has been in a pseudo-relationship with this guy since our break-up, but she wanted to reassure me that she was confident that was not the reason she ended the relatiobship.
I told her that I have no reason to trust her when she says that.
We both cried, but in the end I truly believe that it was a good experience.
Hopefully this painful step will take me quite a bit closer to that summit.
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Summit of Sadness
Yo,
Today I was supposed to take a nice drive down to New York City with my good friends Immanuela and Dave. I was pretty psyched because a) Dave is pseudo-famous and I was name dropping like crazy and b) I figured it would be tons of fun with them.
Unfortunately, this morning at 10am (keep in mind we were scheduled to leave at 2:30pm) Dave called telling me this weekend turns out not to be so good for extenuating circumstances.
Well, I certainly wasn't about to drive down to NYC by myself. I ain't no bitch, plus it would suck. So, now I'm planning on bussing down, leaving at 11:45pm and arriving at 7:15am. The trip is actually an hour shorter than a day trip because there is only one rest stop. So, bonus!
Another bonus is that I get to see the Summit! I was worried I was going to miss the Improv Summit this weekend and ALSO Vaganza (the 24 hour show) next month. Now at least I get to see one, and even party a little bit afterwards! Wahoo!
Now back to the regularly scheduled program of me talking about my feelings and bullshit like that.
This past weekend I was in Lake Tahoe with my bros and friends. I was the youngest person there by about five years which was a little bit awkward.
What's interesting is the way my personality changes when I'm around my brothers. They are both kind of loud and obnoxious and they like being funny. In general I am very similar to them. But when I'm around them, I quiet myself. I stay almost totally silent. I don't make jokes, I don't act funny, nothing.
I think I really just want to distance myself from what I see in them. I find my brothers so annoying and childish and repulsive sometimes. I'm really scared that that is what I'm like to other people.
An unexpected side effect to my sitting quietly for long periods of time is that I had a lot of time to think. I ended thinking of Lindsey a lot. I got sad. I think my anger is generally subsiding, and now I get really sad when I think back on what I've lost. I think that's a good thing, because I've been waiting for the unbearable sadness to kick in. Frankly, I should be feeling that after five good years are so viciously ripped away from me.
Yay for sadness.
Today I was supposed to take a nice drive down to New York City with my good friends Immanuela and Dave. I was pretty psyched because a) Dave is pseudo-famous and I was name dropping like crazy and b) I figured it would be tons of fun with them.
Unfortunately, this morning at 10am (keep in mind we were scheduled to leave at 2:30pm) Dave called telling me this weekend turns out not to be so good for extenuating circumstances.
Well, I certainly wasn't about to drive down to NYC by myself. I ain't no bitch, plus it would suck. So, now I'm planning on bussing down, leaving at 11:45pm and arriving at 7:15am. The trip is actually an hour shorter than a day trip because there is only one rest stop. So, bonus!
Another bonus is that I get to see the Summit! I was worried I was going to miss the Improv Summit this weekend and ALSO Vaganza (the 24 hour show) next month. Now at least I get to see one, and even party a little bit afterwards! Wahoo!
Now back to the regularly scheduled program of me talking about my feelings and bullshit like that.
This past weekend I was in Lake Tahoe with my bros and friends. I was the youngest person there by about five years which was a little bit awkward.
What's interesting is the way my personality changes when I'm around my brothers. They are both kind of loud and obnoxious and they like being funny. In general I am very similar to them. But when I'm around them, I quiet myself. I stay almost totally silent. I don't make jokes, I don't act funny, nothing.
I think I really just want to distance myself from what I see in them. I find my brothers so annoying and childish and repulsive sometimes. I'm really scared that that is what I'm like to other people.
An unexpected side effect to my sitting quietly for long periods of time is that I had a lot of time to think. I ended thinking of Lindsey a lot. I got sad. I think my anger is generally subsiding, and now I get really sad when I think back on what I've lost. I think that's a good thing, because I've been waiting for the unbearable sadness to kick in. Frankly, I should be feeling that after five good years are so viciously ripped away from me.
Yay for sadness.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
On the Relevance of Spoons
Hiya,
One thing I really miss about monogamy is sleeping next to someone. It has to be one of my favorite things. Lindsey and I moved in together in May and we got to sleep next to each other every night. It was so wonderful.
I think it represents one of the greatest things about a relationship. It gives me a total sense of security. Deep down, I think I'm still afraid of the dark. Having someone next to me, someone I love and trust, fills me with comfort. It keeps me warm, both physically and emotionally. It is intimate in a totally wonderful way.
I don't like sleeping alone. I like snuggling, I like spooning.
I like being the little spoon.
---
I met up with Lindsey today for the first time in months.
Wow, I can't believe it's really been months! That's so sad.
We had to clear up some money stuff. I wasn't really ready to talk to her about my feelings, seeing as how I'm still pretty upset with her and her actions. I was just there to drop off some money and to pick up some stray things that were still at the house.
The whole time I was there I was so emotionally distant. I felt like I was watching myself talk to her. My voice was so hollow, I didn't laugh or smile, but we did talk a little. We caught up a little. It was really just an exchange of pleasantries.
In truth, it wasn't so pleasant.
One thing I really miss about monogamy is sleeping next to someone. It has to be one of my favorite things. Lindsey and I moved in together in May and we got to sleep next to each other every night. It was so wonderful.
I think it represents one of the greatest things about a relationship. It gives me a total sense of security. Deep down, I think I'm still afraid of the dark. Having someone next to me, someone I love and trust, fills me with comfort. It keeps me warm, both physically and emotionally. It is intimate in a totally wonderful way.
I don't like sleeping alone. I like snuggling, I like spooning.
I like being the little spoon.
---
I met up with Lindsey today for the first time in months.
Wow, I can't believe it's really been months! That's so sad.
We had to clear up some money stuff. I wasn't really ready to talk to her about my feelings, seeing as how I'm still pretty upset with her and her actions. I was just there to drop off some money and to pick up some stray things that were still at the house.
The whole time I was there I was so emotionally distant. I felt like I was watching myself talk to her. My voice was so hollow, I didn't laugh or smile, but we did talk a little. We caught up a little. It was really just an exchange of pleasantries.
In truth, it wasn't so pleasant.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Someone to Keep Me Warm
Hi All,
Ever since Workshop, Lindsey has been a super knitter. One of her very first projects ever was a scarf for me. She asked me what colors I'd like, I chose grey and black. I'm all about solids. It was a masterful creation. It changed widths continuously as Lindsey desperately tried to keep an even stitch count. In the end, one side wass two to three times as wide as the other. I have kept it and worn it ever since a) because it's warm, and b) to remind Lindsey that she wasn't always a master.
Lindsey also made me a great little brown and green tuque. It was perfect for mildly chilly days and it was hip looking. It was also from Lindsey's early days of knitting, but I always considered it one of her best creations and I wore it all the time. I called it "The Spring Tuque."
Yesterday was the first day I wore a scarf and tuque not made by Lindsey. It wasn't really on purpose. In Israel I received an amazing Habo tuque which I wear with pride now, and I found a slick black Nautica fleece scarf in my room. I just changed over to those. But to me it has meaning beyond that. I always wore Lindsey's knitted wear with pride, even if it wasn't the best quality. Now I don't really have that pride. I don't care. I'd rather just wear what's warmest. I guess it's just another step in distancing myself from her and everything she used to mean to me.
On a completely different note, in the past two days two people on completely seperate occasions encouraged me to get with Lauren because "she's hot." I wish I could just hand people a nice little letter that explained what I've been through in the past little while, what my previous relationship was like, and how I am now totally lost and scared when dealing with women.
That would really simplify things.
Ever since Workshop, Lindsey has been a super knitter. One of her very first projects ever was a scarf for me. She asked me what colors I'd like, I chose grey and black. I'm all about solids. It was a masterful creation. It changed widths continuously as Lindsey desperately tried to keep an even stitch count. In the end, one side wass two to three times as wide as the other. I have kept it and worn it ever since a) because it's warm, and b) to remind Lindsey that she wasn't always a master.
Lindsey also made me a great little brown and green tuque. It was perfect for mildly chilly days and it was hip looking. It was also from Lindsey's early days of knitting, but I always considered it one of her best creations and I wore it all the time. I called it "The Spring Tuque."
Yesterday was the first day I wore a scarf and tuque not made by Lindsey. It wasn't really on purpose. In Israel I received an amazing Habo tuque which I wear with pride now, and I found a slick black Nautica fleece scarf in my room. I just changed over to those. But to me it has meaning beyond that. I always wore Lindsey's knitted wear with pride, even if it wasn't the best quality. Now I don't really have that pride. I don't care. I'd rather just wear what's warmest. I guess it's just another step in distancing myself from her and everything she used to mean to me.
On a completely different note, in the past two days two people on completely seperate occasions encouraged me to get with Lauren because "she's hot." I wish I could just hand people a nice little letter that explained what I've been through in the past little while, what my previous relationship was like, and how I am now totally lost and scared when dealing with women.
That would really simplify things.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Questions
Hello,
Surprise! I posted!
So in the past couple days I've been asked by multiple people if I've moved on from the break up. In fact, to quote one person, "Are you interested in other girls yet, or are you still heartbroken?" My reply: "I'm still heartbroken, thanks for asking."
Its weird, its been a little less than three months. Should I be moving on? Should I be with other girls? Should I be...dating?! I don't know.
I do hang out with Lauren a lot. I enjoy being with her. I go to movies with her. I helped her build her bed. Is that dating? I don't think so. I just really enjoy hanging out with her. When does it turn into dating though? Is it just a matter of intentionality? Or is that too post-modern of me? Stupid postmodernism.
--Focus shift--
I sometimes look at Lindsey's name hanging in my IM list and consider clicking it. It would be so nice to talk to her. I imagine it in my head being so relieving and feeling so good. But then I remember that the Lindsey I want to talk to isn't behind that IM name. Its someone else. I would just be looking for something that isn't there. And then I get sad when I look at it.
--Focus shift--
I've been making a lot of jokes about my breakup. I guess it should seem obvious that I am using humor to deal with my sadness considering my lifestyle and personality. But I am constantly surprised by what comes out of my mouth.
Example: I was at breakfast talking about football and I commented on how Seattle beating Washington was like a symbol of Lindsey breaking my heart, because she is from Seattle and I Washington. It wasn't a particularly good joke, but I didn't make any promises here.
Although its a way with dealing with it, it still makes me sad. It hurts to make those jokes. So, why do I even make the jokes?
And it can be awkward. Its kind of like Holocaust jokes.
Oh jeez. Did I just compare my breakup with Lindsey to the Holocaust?
This is awkward.
Surprise! I posted!
So in the past couple days I've been asked by multiple people if I've moved on from the break up. In fact, to quote one person, "Are you interested in other girls yet, or are you still heartbroken?" My reply: "I'm still heartbroken, thanks for asking."
Its weird, its been a little less than three months. Should I be moving on? Should I be with other girls? Should I be...dating?! I don't know.
I do hang out with Lauren a lot. I enjoy being with her. I go to movies with her. I helped her build her bed. Is that dating? I don't think so. I just really enjoy hanging out with her. When does it turn into dating though? Is it just a matter of intentionality? Or is that too post-modern of me? Stupid postmodernism.
--Focus shift--
I sometimes look at Lindsey's name hanging in my IM list and consider clicking it. It would be so nice to talk to her. I imagine it in my head being so relieving and feeling so good. But then I remember that the Lindsey I want to talk to isn't behind that IM name. Its someone else. I would just be looking for something that isn't there. And then I get sad when I look at it.
--Focus shift--
I've been making a lot of jokes about my breakup. I guess it should seem obvious that I am using humor to deal with my sadness considering my lifestyle and personality. But I am constantly surprised by what comes out of my mouth.
Example: I was at breakfast talking about football and I commented on how Seattle beating Washington was like a symbol of Lindsey breaking my heart, because she is from Seattle and I Washington. It wasn't a particularly good joke, but I didn't make any promises here.
Although its a way with dealing with it, it still makes me sad. It hurts to make those jokes. So, why do I even make the jokes?
And it can be awkward. Its kind of like Holocaust jokes.
Oh jeez. Did I just compare my breakup with Lindsey to the Holocaust?
This is awkward.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Chronicles and Then Some
Hiya,
Today is a great day to post because my general feelings I want to post about coincide perfectly with Part II of the Chronicles I started a while back. So, lets start with the Chronicles:
The Chronicles Part II: Workshop Begins
When I flew into Israel I didn't know that many people on the program. There were dozens of new faces for me, whereas other people seemed to know each other already. That didn't matter all that much because the atmosphere at the beginning of a year long program is definitely one which helps you meet people. So I milled about making friends the first few days on a lovely little villa type place called Givat Shemesh.
I quickly met and got along with Lindsey. One of my strongest memories of those first few days was me and Lindsey dancing together in the swimming pool. I would hold her up and sing to her and spin her around. It was all friendly, I had no notions of sex or whatnot. In fact, that was one of the great things about the start of our relationship, there was little to no sexual tension to screw up our emotional connection. I had had a weird experience in the first few days of Workshop where a girl asked me if she could be the one to take my virginity. I was caught totally off guard by it, and my sexual drive kind of hid itself away in response.
After Givat Shemesh we moved to a little known Kibbutz in the Galil called Chanaton. We were having an intense seminar to prepare us for our upcoming trip to Poland. Our group really started bonding with each other. We had rooftop sing-alongs, people were making out left and right, it was great.
Lindsey and I had our first amazing connection here. We were lying down in a room together listening to music, one bud in each ear. I was playing my CDs for her, she had never really listened to the music I listened to. We were really enjoying it, but it was growing late and she had no intention of sleeping in my bed. She tried to pull away, but I said she had to stay for the rest of the song, it was only courtesy. She agreed and we layed together to the sweet tunes of Led Zeppelin's "Fool in the Rain". From that day forth it was our song, and it was a really meaningful moment for our relationship.
Our relationship continued to blossom on Chanaton, we listened to music, we talked, we had a lazy afternoon lap together on the grass all by ourselves. After Chanaton we had a week in Poland which was intense. Lindsey and I sat with each other on the bus rides and talked and had fun. After Poland we had four days of hiking through the north of Israel. We slept next to each other under the stars every night and talked. At times things became pretty deep and intense, conversation even evoked tears at times, but it was just a measure of how close we were. Still by this time there was no sexual tension, it was all sharing emotions and connecting mentally. It was great.
Things entered a whole new phase, though, once we arrived on Kibbutz. Tune in for the next Chronicles chapter: Life on Kibbutz!
So, thats the background. Here is the foreground.
I was just in Israel on a great trip for the past ten days. We travelled and challenged our thoughts on the present state and future of the movement. It was so fun, and the 20-ish people with me were all awesome.
One of the places we stayed at on the trip was Kibbutz Chanaton. I was overwhelmed with memories. I was not expecting to have such a strong reaction to the Kibbutz, but everywhere I turned I saw another spot of immense emotional association. I even walked into the very room where Lindsey had our music listening moment.
I couldn't hold it in at all. I burst into tears numerous times there. It reminded me so strongly of when things were perfect with Lindsey and me. I hed totally eliminated that from my mind since the break-up and especially so since things got really bad between us.
What was so painful is that I truly believe that the Lindsey of my memories is gone forever. The Lindsey that exists now is someone different, someone who doesn't want to be with me, someone who could so easily break my heart.
Suffice to say that I finally got that crying done that I've been waiting for for so long. And yes, Jamie played a very large role in that. She was on the trip with me and she was there for me when I was crying. I appreciate her so much, and don't tell Rufus, but I think that I may be spending a LOT of time with her in the next two years. So thats good.
Anyway, I'm back in Montreal now. I have to get my life in order, get a job, graduate, etc. Call me if you want to hang out, or if you just want to chat, or whatever.
And hopefully waitingforgbrowdy.blogspot.com can quit their bitching now.
Today is a great day to post because my general feelings I want to post about coincide perfectly with Part II of the Chronicles I started a while back. So, lets start with the Chronicles:
The Chronicles Part II: Workshop Begins
When I flew into Israel I didn't know that many people on the program. There were dozens of new faces for me, whereas other people seemed to know each other already. That didn't matter all that much because the atmosphere at the beginning of a year long program is definitely one which helps you meet people. So I milled about making friends the first few days on a lovely little villa type place called Givat Shemesh.
I quickly met and got along with Lindsey. One of my strongest memories of those first few days was me and Lindsey dancing together in the swimming pool. I would hold her up and sing to her and spin her around. It was all friendly, I had no notions of sex or whatnot. In fact, that was one of the great things about the start of our relationship, there was little to no sexual tension to screw up our emotional connection. I had had a weird experience in the first few days of Workshop where a girl asked me if she could be the one to take my virginity. I was caught totally off guard by it, and my sexual drive kind of hid itself away in response.
After Givat Shemesh we moved to a little known Kibbutz in the Galil called Chanaton. We were having an intense seminar to prepare us for our upcoming trip to Poland. Our group really started bonding with each other. We had rooftop sing-alongs, people were making out left and right, it was great.
Lindsey and I had our first amazing connection here. We were lying down in a room together listening to music, one bud in each ear. I was playing my CDs for her, she had never really listened to the music I listened to. We were really enjoying it, but it was growing late and she had no intention of sleeping in my bed. She tried to pull away, but I said she had to stay for the rest of the song, it was only courtesy. She agreed and we layed together to the sweet tunes of Led Zeppelin's "Fool in the Rain". From that day forth it was our song, and it was a really meaningful moment for our relationship.
Our relationship continued to blossom on Chanaton, we listened to music, we talked, we had a lazy afternoon lap together on the grass all by ourselves. After Chanaton we had a week in Poland which was intense. Lindsey and I sat with each other on the bus rides and talked and had fun. After Poland we had four days of hiking through the north of Israel. We slept next to each other under the stars every night and talked. At times things became pretty deep and intense, conversation even evoked tears at times, but it was just a measure of how close we were. Still by this time there was no sexual tension, it was all sharing emotions and connecting mentally. It was great.
Things entered a whole new phase, though, once we arrived on Kibbutz. Tune in for the next Chronicles chapter: Life on Kibbutz!
So, thats the background. Here is the foreground.
I was just in Israel on a great trip for the past ten days. We travelled and challenged our thoughts on the present state and future of the movement. It was so fun, and the 20-ish people with me were all awesome.
One of the places we stayed at on the trip was Kibbutz Chanaton. I was overwhelmed with memories. I was not expecting to have such a strong reaction to the Kibbutz, but everywhere I turned I saw another spot of immense emotional association. I even walked into the very room where Lindsey had our music listening moment.
I couldn't hold it in at all. I burst into tears numerous times there. It reminded me so strongly of when things were perfect with Lindsey and me. I hed totally eliminated that from my mind since the break-up and especially so since things got really bad between us.
What was so painful is that I truly believe that the Lindsey of my memories is gone forever. The Lindsey that exists now is someone different, someone who doesn't want to be with me, someone who could so easily break my heart.
Suffice to say that I finally got that crying done that I've been waiting for for so long. And yes, Jamie played a very large role in that. She was on the trip with me and she was there for me when I was crying. I appreciate her so much, and don't tell Rufus, but I think that I may be spending a LOT of time with her in the next two years. So thats good.
Anyway, I'm back in Montreal now. I have to get my life in order, get a job, graduate, etc. Call me if you want to hang out, or if you just want to chat, or whatever.
And hopefully waitingforgbrowdy.blogspot.com can quit their bitching now.
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