Music To My Ears

Hi All,

First, let me publically apologize to Zach. He has been pushing me to post for much too long and I have shirked that responsibility. Sorry, Zach. I still love you.

So, as of today, about 47 days after the seperation, I still have yet to have a serious good cry. Its getting painful, and frankly I want to cry in sympathy for myself. I am not sure why this is happening, but I know that I have not felt totally comfortable anywhere yet. I am soon going to be with my close friend Jamie for 2 straight weeks, and hopefully I will bathe her in salty delicious tears of pain.

But, if there is one thing that can get me close to tears, it's music. Music has always played a powerful role in my life. I love music and I think music loves me. Hopefully, one day music will NOT come home and end it with me out of nowhere.

Bitterness aside, certain songs really hit me hard...

[Editors Note: This is a long list. You have been forewarned!]

The number one song so far that really hurts to listen to is Carole King, "It's Too Late".

The killer chorus lyrics: Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it

When Carole first sang this to me about 7 days after the end of my love, I was shocked to hear what Lindsey was unable to tell me at that point. It was so crystal clear and well sung by Carole, and I appreciated her straightforward attitude about it. No dancing around the truth of the matter, looking for the perfect words. All it needs is a little alliteration and a catchy tune. I love you Carole.

Interesting side story: I did a monologue on music for Uno, my long form improv show. I didn't want to talk about breaking up on stage, so I just briefly mentioned that music affects me strongly, and particularly Carole King. At intermission, Immanuela, a fellow improviser, approached me and told me she knew exactly what I was talking about with Carole King...It's Too Late. I was shocked by her spot on call. She had also gone through a big bad breakup and felt the sharp pain of truth in Carole's words. We then sang together in what I can only assume was a Sex & The City-esque manner, although truthfully I've never seen even one episode. I like Immanuela.

The next on my list is every song on "Sea Change" by Beck. This is the ultimate break-up album. I was deeply moved by it even when my relationship seemed strong and happy. After I lost the Lindsey I thought I had, I refused to listen to the album, knowing it would crush me. I broke my Beck embargo about 2 weeks later. It is so powerful, I can feel Beck's pain.

The most moving song: "Guess I'm Doing Fine".

The killer chorus lyrics: It's only lies that I'm living, it's only tears that I'm crying, it's only you that I'm losing, guess I'm doing fine.

How else can you respond to the question "How are you doing?" How else can you describe the dull and permanently residing pain in your heart and mind? Beck is a genius.

Another album that's tough to listen to is Joni Mitchell's "Blue". This is another monster breakup album. Every song is basically about sadness and the album is called Blue for Christ's sake! Its not the saddest, but just so you know, my favorite line on the album is from "Case of You":

Just before our love got lost you said/ I am as constant as a northern star/ And I said, constant in the darkness/ Where’s that at?/ If you want me I’ll be in the bar

The sarcasm and wit is priceless, all topped off by the qualifier "before our love got lost". Beautiful.

One cheesy one that I have to admit is John Mayer, "Comfortable". I randomly have this song in my playlist, and it ever so cheesily describes my loss.

The killer chorus lyrics: Our love was comfortable and so broken in.

Simple, but ringing with truth. Also the simplistic acoustics of the song make it even sweeter and harder to hear.

A great song is "I'll Never Fall in Love Again", by Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello. You'll remember this from the 2nd Austin Powers movie. Its sweet melody and smooth singing hide the extremely bitter and even funny lyrics of the song. It sounds like a love song, but not when you here a line like this:

What do you get when you kiss a girl/ You get enough germs to catch pneumonia/ After you do, she'll never phone you

Pretty sneaky, Burt and Elvis. The whole song is about the suckiness of love. A real sucker punch for all the romantics out there.

Then there is the laundry list of songs that hold a special meaning that are going to forever remind me of different things in our relationship:

Led Zeppelin, "Fool in the Rain": This was our song. As simple as that. We listened to this song together one night in Israel. She wanted to go to bed, but I asked her to stay for one more song, and that was it. So anytime from then on I wanted her to be with me a little longer, I'd whip this little baby out.

A funny addition to the story is that I originally thought the chorus lyrics were "I love the love that I found." I thought it was such a good representation of how I felt. Only a few months later did I realize it was "Light of the love that I found." But it didn't matter, the song had taken its course in our history already with the wrong but special-er lyrics.

Aaron Neville, "Crazy Love": This was the song that was gently playing in the background the first time we made love. No joke, how perfect is that?

Hedwig and the Angry Inch, "The Origin of Love": This is our movie. This song is beautiful and also really fuckin rockin. It tells a Greek tale of how Love was created. It will forever remind me of Lindsey.

Colin Hay, "Beautiful World": This song was played on the season finale of Scrubs season 1. That is our show we watch together. It is a beautiful song.

The killer lyrics: My my my it’s a beautiful world/ I like sleeping with [Lindsey]/ She is one sexy girl full of mystery/ She says she doesn’t love me but she likes my company/ For now that’s good enough for me.

Those lyrics were the best because the original name was Marie. I changed it and it fit perfect because originally Lindsey and I just told people that we "enjoyed each other's company" in order to avoid being labelled a couple. It was sneaky, but it worked.

To end this EXTREMELY long list, I'll give my one song of an uplifting nature. It's Coldplay, "Everything's Not Lost". The final climax of the song, where he sings "Everything's Not Lost" fills me with hope and happiness. I really like the singer's voice and the power of his simple piano played really hard.

But then again, how could anything be lost when you are married to a beautiful woman like Gwyneth Paltrow? It's kind of cheating, and makes me bitter all over again...