Hiya,
One thing I really miss about monogamy is sleeping next to someone. It has to be one of my favorite things. Lindsey and I moved in together in May and we got to sleep next to each other every night. It was so wonderful.
I think it represents one of the greatest things about a relationship. It gives me a total sense of security. Deep down, I think I'm still afraid of the dark. Having someone next to me, someone I love and trust, fills me with comfort. It keeps me warm, both physically and emotionally. It is intimate in a totally wonderful way.
I don't like sleeping alone. I like snuggling, I like spooning.
I like being the little spoon.
---
I met up with Lindsey today for the first time in months.
Wow, I can't believe it's really been months! That's so sad.
We had to clear up some money stuff. I wasn't really ready to talk to her about my feelings, seeing as how I'm still pretty upset with her and her actions. I was just there to drop off some money and to pick up some stray things that were still at the house.
The whole time I was there I was so emotionally distant. I felt like I was watching myself talk to her. My voice was so hollow, I didn't laugh or smile, but we did talk a little. We caught up a little. It was really just an exchange of pleasantries.
In truth, it wasn't so pleasant.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Someone to Keep Me Warm
Hi All,
Ever since Workshop, Lindsey has been a super knitter. One of her very first projects ever was a scarf for me. She asked me what colors I'd like, I chose grey and black. I'm all about solids. It was a masterful creation. It changed widths continuously as Lindsey desperately tried to keep an even stitch count. In the end, one side wass two to three times as wide as the other. I have kept it and worn it ever since a) because it's warm, and b) to remind Lindsey that she wasn't always a master.
Lindsey also made me a great little brown and green tuque. It was perfect for mildly chilly days and it was hip looking. It was also from Lindsey's early days of knitting, but I always considered it one of her best creations and I wore it all the time. I called it "The Spring Tuque."
Yesterday was the first day I wore a scarf and tuque not made by Lindsey. It wasn't really on purpose. In Israel I received an amazing Habo tuque which I wear with pride now, and I found a slick black Nautica fleece scarf in my room. I just changed over to those. But to me it has meaning beyond that. I always wore Lindsey's knitted wear with pride, even if it wasn't the best quality. Now I don't really have that pride. I don't care. I'd rather just wear what's warmest. I guess it's just another step in distancing myself from her and everything she used to mean to me.
On a completely different note, in the past two days two people on completely seperate occasions encouraged me to get with Lauren because "she's hot." I wish I could just hand people a nice little letter that explained what I've been through in the past little while, what my previous relationship was like, and how I am now totally lost and scared when dealing with women.
That would really simplify things.
Ever since Workshop, Lindsey has been a super knitter. One of her very first projects ever was a scarf for me. She asked me what colors I'd like, I chose grey and black. I'm all about solids. It was a masterful creation. It changed widths continuously as Lindsey desperately tried to keep an even stitch count. In the end, one side wass two to three times as wide as the other. I have kept it and worn it ever since a) because it's warm, and b) to remind Lindsey that she wasn't always a master.
Lindsey also made me a great little brown and green tuque. It was perfect for mildly chilly days and it was hip looking. It was also from Lindsey's early days of knitting, but I always considered it one of her best creations and I wore it all the time. I called it "The Spring Tuque."
Yesterday was the first day I wore a scarf and tuque not made by Lindsey. It wasn't really on purpose. In Israel I received an amazing Habo tuque which I wear with pride now, and I found a slick black Nautica fleece scarf in my room. I just changed over to those. But to me it has meaning beyond that. I always wore Lindsey's knitted wear with pride, even if it wasn't the best quality. Now I don't really have that pride. I don't care. I'd rather just wear what's warmest. I guess it's just another step in distancing myself from her and everything she used to mean to me.
On a completely different note, in the past two days two people on completely seperate occasions encouraged me to get with Lauren because "she's hot." I wish I could just hand people a nice little letter that explained what I've been through in the past little while, what my previous relationship was like, and how I am now totally lost and scared when dealing with women.
That would really simplify things.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Questions
Hello,
Surprise! I posted!
So in the past couple days I've been asked by multiple people if I've moved on from the break up. In fact, to quote one person, "Are you interested in other girls yet, or are you still heartbroken?" My reply: "I'm still heartbroken, thanks for asking."
Its weird, its been a little less than three months. Should I be moving on? Should I be with other girls? Should I be...dating?! I don't know.
I do hang out with Lauren a lot. I enjoy being with her. I go to movies with her. I helped her build her bed. Is that dating? I don't think so. I just really enjoy hanging out with her. When does it turn into dating though? Is it just a matter of intentionality? Or is that too post-modern of me? Stupid postmodernism.
--Focus shift--
I sometimes look at Lindsey's name hanging in my IM list and consider clicking it. It would be so nice to talk to her. I imagine it in my head being so relieving and feeling so good. But then I remember that the Lindsey I want to talk to isn't behind that IM name. Its someone else. I would just be looking for something that isn't there. And then I get sad when I look at it.
--Focus shift--
I've been making a lot of jokes about my breakup. I guess it should seem obvious that I am using humor to deal with my sadness considering my lifestyle and personality. But I am constantly surprised by what comes out of my mouth.
Example: I was at breakfast talking about football and I commented on how Seattle beating Washington was like a symbol of Lindsey breaking my heart, because she is from Seattle and I Washington. It wasn't a particularly good joke, but I didn't make any promises here.
Although its a way with dealing with it, it still makes me sad. It hurts to make those jokes. So, why do I even make the jokes?
And it can be awkward. Its kind of like Holocaust jokes.
Oh jeez. Did I just compare my breakup with Lindsey to the Holocaust?
This is awkward.
Surprise! I posted!
So in the past couple days I've been asked by multiple people if I've moved on from the break up. In fact, to quote one person, "Are you interested in other girls yet, or are you still heartbroken?" My reply: "I'm still heartbroken, thanks for asking."
Its weird, its been a little less than three months. Should I be moving on? Should I be with other girls? Should I be...dating?! I don't know.
I do hang out with Lauren a lot. I enjoy being with her. I go to movies with her. I helped her build her bed. Is that dating? I don't think so. I just really enjoy hanging out with her. When does it turn into dating though? Is it just a matter of intentionality? Or is that too post-modern of me? Stupid postmodernism.
--Focus shift--
I sometimes look at Lindsey's name hanging in my IM list and consider clicking it. It would be so nice to talk to her. I imagine it in my head being so relieving and feeling so good. But then I remember that the Lindsey I want to talk to isn't behind that IM name. Its someone else. I would just be looking for something that isn't there. And then I get sad when I look at it.
--Focus shift--
I've been making a lot of jokes about my breakup. I guess it should seem obvious that I am using humor to deal with my sadness considering my lifestyle and personality. But I am constantly surprised by what comes out of my mouth.
Example: I was at breakfast talking about football and I commented on how Seattle beating Washington was like a symbol of Lindsey breaking my heart, because she is from Seattle and I Washington. It wasn't a particularly good joke, but I didn't make any promises here.
Although its a way with dealing with it, it still makes me sad. It hurts to make those jokes. So, why do I even make the jokes?
And it can be awkward. Its kind of like Holocaust jokes.
Oh jeez. Did I just compare my breakup with Lindsey to the Holocaust?
This is awkward.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Chronicles and Then Some
Hiya,
Today is a great day to post because my general feelings I want to post about coincide perfectly with Part II of the Chronicles I started a while back. So, lets start with the Chronicles:
The Chronicles Part II: Workshop Begins
When I flew into Israel I didn't know that many people on the program. There were dozens of new faces for me, whereas other people seemed to know each other already. That didn't matter all that much because the atmosphere at the beginning of a year long program is definitely one which helps you meet people. So I milled about making friends the first few days on a lovely little villa type place called Givat Shemesh.
I quickly met and got along with Lindsey. One of my strongest memories of those first few days was me and Lindsey dancing together in the swimming pool. I would hold her up and sing to her and spin her around. It was all friendly, I had no notions of sex or whatnot. In fact, that was one of the great things about the start of our relationship, there was little to no sexual tension to screw up our emotional connection. I had had a weird experience in the first few days of Workshop where a girl asked me if she could be the one to take my virginity. I was caught totally off guard by it, and my sexual drive kind of hid itself away in response.
After Givat Shemesh we moved to a little known Kibbutz in the Galil called Chanaton. We were having an intense seminar to prepare us for our upcoming trip to Poland. Our group really started bonding with each other. We had rooftop sing-alongs, people were making out left and right, it was great.
Lindsey and I had our first amazing connection here. We were lying down in a room together listening to music, one bud in each ear. I was playing my CDs for her, she had never really listened to the music I listened to. We were really enjoying it, but it was growing late and she had no intention of sleeping in my bed. She tried to pull away, but I said she had to stay for the rest of the song, it was only courtesy. She agreed and we layed together to the sweet tunes of Led Zeppelin's "Fool in the Rain". From that day forth it was our song, and it was a really meaningful moment for our relationship.
Our relationship continued to blossom on Chanaton, we listened to music, we talked, we had a lazy afternoon lap together on the grass all by ourselves. After Chanaton we had a week in Poland which was intense. Lindsey and I sat with each other on the bus rides and talked and had fun. After Poland we had four days of hiking through the north of Israel. We slept next to each other under the stars every night and talked. At times things became pretty deep and intense, conversation even evoked tears at times, but it was just a measure of how close we were. Still by this time there was no sexual tension, it was all sharing emotions and connecting mentally. It was great.
Things entered a whole new phase, though, once we arrived on Kibbutz. Tune in for the next Chronicles chapter: Life on Kibbutz!
So, thats the background. Here is the foreground.
I was just in Israel on a great trip for the past ten days. We travelled and challenged our thoughts on the present state and future of the movement. It was so fun, and the 20-ish people with me were all awesome.
One of the places we stayed at on the trip was Kibbutz Chanaton. I was overwhelmed with memories. I was not expecting to have such a strong reaction to the Kibbutz, but everywhere I turned I saw another spot of immense emotional association. I even walked into the very room where Lindsey had our music listening moment.
I couldn't hold it in at all. I burst into tears numerous times there. It reminded me so strongly of when things were perfect with Lindsey and me. I hed totally eliminated that from my mind since the break-up and especially so since things got really bad between us.
What was so painful is that I truly believe that the Lindsey of my memories is gone forever. The Lindsey that exists now is someone different, someone who doesn't want to be with me, someone who could so easily break my heart.
Suffice to say that I finally got that crying done that I've been waiting for for so long. And yes, Jamie played a very large role in that. She was on the trip with me and she was there for me when I was crying. I appreciate her so much, and don't tell Rufus, but I think that I may be spending a LOT of time with her in the next two years. So thats good.
Anyway, I'm back in Montreal now. I have to get my life in order, get a job, graduate, etc. Call me if you want to hang out, or if you just want to chat, or whatever.
And hopefully waitingforgbrowdy.blogspot.com can quit their bitching now.
Today is a great day to post because my general feelings I want to post about coincide perfectly with Part II of the Chronicles I started a while back. So, lets start with the Chronicles:
The Chronicles Part II: Workshop Begins
When I flew into Israel I didn't know that many people on the program. There were dozens of new faces for me, whereas other people seemed to know each other already. That didn't matter all that much because the atmosphere at the beginning of a year long program is definitely one which helps you meet people. So I milled about making friends the first few days on a lovely little villa type place called Givat Shemesh.
I quickly met and got along with Lindsey. One of my strongest memories of those first few days was me and Lindsey dancing together in the swimming pool. I would hold her up and sing to her and spin her around. It was all friendly, I had no notions of sex or whatnot. In fact, that was one of the great things about the start of our relationship, there was little to no sexual tension to screw up our emotional connection. I had had a weird experience in the first few days of Workshop where a girl asked me if she could be the one to take my virginity. I was caught totally off guard by it, and my sexual drive kind of hid itself away in response.
After Givat Shemesh we moved to a little known Kibbutz in the Galil called Chanaton. We were having an intense seminar to prepare us for our upcoming trip to Poland. Our group really started bonding with each other. We had rooftop sing-alongs, people were making out left and right, it was great.
Lindsey and I had our first amazing connection here. We were lying down in a room together listening to music, one bud in each ear. I was playing my CDs for her, she had never really listened to the music I listened to. We were really enjoying it, but it was growing late and she had no intention of sleeping in my bed. She tried to pull away, but I said she had to stay for the rest of the song, it was only courtesy. She agreed and we layed together to the sweet tunes of Led Zeppelin's "Fool in the Rain". From that day forth it was our song, and it was a really meaningful moment for our relationship.
Our relationship continued to blossom on Chanaton, we listened to music, we talked, we had a lazy afternoon lap together on the grass all by ourselves. After Chanaton we had a week in Poland which was intense. Lindsey and I sat with each other on the bus rides and talked and had fun. After Poland we had four days of hiking through the north of Israel. We slept next to each other under the stars every night and talked. At times things became pretty deep and intense, conversation even evoked tears at times, but it was just a measure of how close we were. Still by this time there was no sexual tension, it was all sharing emotions and connecting mentally. It was great.
Things entered a whole new phase, though, once we arrived on Kibbutz. Tune in for the next Chronicles chapter: Life on Kibbutz!
So, thats the background. Here is the foreground.
I was just in Israel on a great trip for the past ten days. We travelled and challenged our thoughts on the present state and future of the movement. It was so fun, and the 20-ish people with me were all awesome.
One of the places we stayed at on the trip was Kibbutz Chanaton. I was overwhelmed with memories. I was not expecting to have such a strong reaction to the Kibbutz, but everywhere I turned I saw another spot of immense emotional association. I even walked into the very room where Lindsey had our music listening moment.
I couldn't hold it in at all. I burst into tears numerous times there. It reminded me so strongly of when things were perfect with Lindsey and me. I hed totally eliminated that from my mind since the break-up and especially so since things got really bad between us.
What was so painful is that I truly believe that the Lindsey of my memories is gone forever. The Lindsey that exists now is someone different, someone who doesn't want to be with me, someone who could so easily break my heart.
Suffice to say that I finally got that crying done that I've been waiting for for so long. And yes, Jamie played a very large role in that. She was on the trip with me and she was there for me when I was crying. I appreciate her so much, and don't tell Rufus, but I think that I may be spending a LOT of time with her in the next two years. So thats good.
Anyway, I'm back in Montreal now. I have to get my life in order, get a job, graduate, etc. Call me if you want to hang out, or if you just want to chat, or whatever.
And hopefully waitingforgbrowdy.blogspot.com can quit their bitching now.
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