Five years ago, on a warm September night in Israel, I laid down with Lindsey Ross. This was not all that unique, but what made this night different was that we kissed for the first time. It was beautiful, romantic, special, simply awesome.
Tonight, Lindsey came home from a weekend trip to Seattle. We gave each other a big hug, a hug meant for lovers. It was our last.
Lindsey and I ended our relationship tonight. She questioned our relationship and came up with an answer neither of us ever expected. She didn't want to be a part of the relationship anymore.
It wasn't a fight, it wasn't a lie, it wasn't a nameable problem, it just was...
I of course respect her decision. After all, I don't want to be in a relationship with a person who doesn't want to be in it with me. I wanted to be in a relationship with a different Lindsey, one who loved what we had and wanted to be a part of it forever. I found out tonight that that person doesn't actually exist.
I don't want to convince her, I don't want to argue with her, I don't want to make her question more. In the end, I would always know that I was with someone who I needed to convince to be with me, and thats just not the kind of relationship I want.
I'm crying like never before. I completely forgot what it feels like to be utterly heartbroken. When I get really sad, it physically manifests itself. I honestly can feel my heart breaking. My chest hurts. My eyes burn from the tears. One moment I can be sitting calmly, considering practical things I need to do with my life, the next I am screaming with a pain that I never could have imagined would come.
We are sleeping seperately tonight, under the same roof. Thats a first.
I am so scared of whats to come...
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
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7 comments:
Wow. That really sucks, that feeling, very painful. I remember that when something similar happened to me (I still remember the day, February 18th 2004), I had the same logical response, the, if that's what they want I will go along with it, but that doesn't change the emotional response, it doesn't change the pain of losing something you loved so much. The relationship.
And then, yes, fear. After five years, so much of your identity gets tied in with what was, and so much of where you thought you were going was tied in with where you were just two days ago, it's now a huge unknown. Like reality is this big brick wall, and the bottom bricks were pulled out, and the whole thing just toppled. And what do you do now?
hey gil, it's leah. it's been a long time. i know it always seems lame and contrived to get in touch with someone when they are going through hard times even though you haven't been in touch during the good times, but i wanted to do it anyway. i just wanted to let you know that i'm thinking about you and that i hope you're doing as well as you can at this point in time, and that each day brings a bit more peace and clarity. if you need anything i'm here (again, i apologize if this comes across as insincere). love leah (lrrinaldi@gmail.com)
also, i don't have your email or phone number so this was the only way i could think to get in touch with you...
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