Yo,
So there is this neat little service (that is free at the moment) in which you send in any question, ANY question, and it sends you back two human generated responses. It's so neat, I really like it. Just send an email to q@askforcents.com
It may be apparent to some people, but I can get pretty bitter about this whole "relationship end" thing. So, I decided to send a question in to ol' Q to see what he/she has to say about it.
Q: Why did she leave me?
A1: She found someone else she liked better.
Woah! How the hell could they know that context free? Is my story so boring and overdone that the simple unprovoked question of why she left elicits my exact situation?
A2: The hour was up.
A little less specific, but no less applicable to my life. Lindsey certainly had up and decided that the time had come and she didn't want to be with me anymore, she didn't love me anymore.
Anyway, then I decided to dig deeper. I asked about my future instead of my past.
Q: Should I make the next move, or does she really not want to be in a relationship?
A1: Move on, she is done with you
A2: Try first, if it doesn't work, there's no hard feelings
Uh oh, cognitive dissonance!
Anyway, for you, my readers', pleasure, a more frivolous question:
Q: Who is the prettiest celebrity of them all and where can I find a decent picture of him/her?
A1: Isabella Rossellini
A2: Scarlet Johansson
And, lastly, I leave you with a question -
Q: I have a $300 plane ticket to anywhere, and I have to book by Feb. 27th. Where should I go?
A: ...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A Painful Step
Hi There,
Well, as I have climbed my Summit of Sadness, I've had to take one painful step after another. I guess that's how a Sadness Summit works.
A few days ago I was talking to a close friend who keeps in touch with Lindsey and she told me that Lindsey is still seeing this guy, which is the whole reason I got angry. It sounds trite and shallow when breezed over in my blog, but believe me, quite the story goes along with it. Anyway, finding this out left me feeling new feelings. I knew that had I ever felt like talking to Lindsey I would only want to ask her about him, which is a shitty thing that's not worth talking about anyway. So, finding this out now put me in a position where I knew the answer and wouldn't have to ask Lindsey were I ever to talk to her.
This set in motion a few events. Firstly, I immediately broke down into tears. It was a good cry, one that was a long time coming. It felt good, letting myself be swept over by so much of my pent up pain and unhappiness. Without my wall of anger, the levies disappeared and I was flooded with salty sadness.
Secondly, I realized I wasn't as angry anymore. My anger was truly turning into plain old sadness, a much more manageable emotion for me. I had accepted that whatever Lindsey did, it was her decision and she obviously made the right decision for her if she is still with the guy. So, what was there to be angry about? The Lindsey I knew and loved ceased to be, and this new Lindsey had no problem tearing my heart to shreds in order to make a decision that ultimately seemed to make her happier.
Thirdly, I got in touch with Lindsey and asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee. It was a bold move, but I feel like I am ready to normalize relations. One other catalyst for this event was that a bunch of my close friends gathered in Toronto this past weekend, and it was so clear that I should have been there and the only reason I wasn't was because of the stupid break-up.
So, last night I met with Lindsey face to face just to chat for the first time in three months.
To be brief, it went better than I ever could have expected. There was no yelling, there was no arguing. There was honestly, there was a bit of crying, and there was just nice talking. It started out as just small talk, but I was making a concious effort not to be emotionally distant like I had been in the previous times I ran into her. Eventually I steered the conversation into talking about US.
I capitalized that to make it seem like a big deal. And it was. We hadn't talked about US for months. She asked why I had been so angry for so long, and I told her exactly how I felt my trust had been broken. I told her that I realized there are no good answers to my questions, and that they are better asked rhetorically. She asked for an example. I gave an example - Why was it suddenly an OK decision to hide her true feelings about this guy even though our relationship was built on and functioned quite well on the basic precept of honesty and openness?
Lindsey said some interesting things. She told me that I was a perfect boyfriend. I did everything right and that's why things were so difficult for her to figure out towards the end. She also told me that things may be obscured by the fact that she has been in a pseudo-relationship with this guy since our break-up, but she wanted to reassure me that she was confident that was not the reason she ended the relatiobship.
I told her that I have no reason to trust her when she says that.
We both cried, but in the end I truly believe that it was a good experience.
Hopefully this painful step will take me quite a bit closer to that summit.
Well, as I have climbed my Summit of Sadness, I've had to take one painful step after another. I guess that's how a Sadness Summit works.
A few days ago I was talking to a close friend who keeps in touch with Lindsey and she told me that Lindsey is still seeing this guy, which is the whole reason I got angry. It sounds trite and shallow when breezed over in my blog, but believe me, quite the story goes along with it. Anyway, finding this out left me feeling new feelings. I knew that had I ever felt like talking to Lindsey I would only want to ask her about him, which is a shitty thing that's not worth talking about anyway. So, finding this out now put me in a position where I knew the answer and wouldn't have to ask Lindsey were I ever to talk to her.
This set in motion a few events. Firstly, I immediately broke down into tears. It was a good cry, one that was a long time coming. It felt good, letting myself be swept over by so much of my pent up pain and unhappiness. Without my wall of anger, the levies disappeared and I was flooded with salty sadness.
Secondly, I realized I wasn't as angry anymore. My anger was truly turning into plain old sadness, a much more manageable emotion for me. I had accepted that whatever Lindsey did, it was her decision and she obviously made the right decision for her if she is still with the guy. So, what was there to be angry about? The Lindsey I knew and loved ceased to be, and this new Lindsey had no problem tearing my heart to shreds in order to make a decision that ultimately seemed to make her happier.
Thirdly, I got in touch with Lindsey and asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee. It was a bold move, but I feel like I am ready to normalize relations. One other catalyst for this event was that a bunch of my close friends gathered in Toronto this past weekend, and it was so clear that I should have been there and the only reason I wasn't was because of the stupid break-up.
So, last night I met with Lindsey face to face just to chat for the first time in three months.
To be brief, it went better than I ever could have expected. There was no yelling, there was no arguing. There was honestly, there was a bit of crying, and there was just nice talking. It started out as just small talk, but I was making a concious effort not to be emotionally distant like I had been in the previous times I ran into her. Eventually I steered the conversation into talking about US.
I capitalized that to make it seem like a big deal. And it was. We hadn't talked about US for months. She asked why I had been so angry for so long, and I told her exactly how I felt my trust had been broken. I told her that I realized there are no good answers to my questions, and that they are better asked rhetorically. She asked for an example. I gave an example - Why was it suddenly an OK decision to hide her true feelings about this guy even though our relationship was built on and functioned quite well on the basic precept of honesty and openness?
Lindsey said some interesting things. She told me that I was a perfect boyfriend. I did everything right and that's why things were so difficult for her to figure out towards the end. She also told me that things may be obscured by the fact that she has been in a pseudo-relationship with this guy since our break-up, but she wanted to reassure me that she was confident that was not the reason she ended the relatiobship.
I told her that I have no reason to trust her when she says that.
We both cried, but in the end I truly believe that it was a good experience.
Hopefully this painful step will take me quite a bit closer to that summit.
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Summit of Sadness
Yo,
Today I was supposed to take a nice drive down to New York City with my good friends Immanuela and Dave. I was pretty psyched because a) Dave is pseudo-famous and I was name dropping like crazy and b) I figured it would be tons of fun with them.
Unfortunately, this morning at 10am (keep in mind we were scheduled to leave at 2:30pm) Dave called telling me this weekend turns out not to be so good for extenuating circumstances.
Well, I certainly wasn't about to drive down to NYC by myself. I ain't no bitch, plus it would suck. So, now I'm planning on bussing down, leaving at 11:45pm and arriving at 7:15am. The trip is actually an hour shorter than a day trip because there is only one rest stop. So, bonus!
Another bonus is that I get to see the Summit! I was worried I was going to miss the Improv Summit this weekend and ALSO Vaganza (the 24 hour show) next month. Now at least I get to see one, and even party a little bit afterwards! Wahoo!
Now back to the regularly scheduled program of me talking about my feelings and bullshit like that.
This past weekend I was in Lake Tahoe with my bros and friends. I was the youngest person there by about five years which was a little bit awkward.
What's interesting is the way my personality changes when I'm around my brothers. They are both kind of loud and obnoxious and they like being funny. In general I am very similar to them. But when I'm around them, I quiet myself. I stay almost totally silent. I don't make jokes, I don't act funny, nothing.
I think I really just want to distance myself from what I see in them. I find my brothers so annoying and childish and repulsive sometimes. I'm really scared that that is what I'm like to other people.
An unexpected side effect to my sitting quietly for long periods of time is that I had a lot of time to think. I ended thinking of Lindsey a lot. I got sad. I think my anger is generally subsiding, and now I get really sad when I think back on what I've lost. I think that's a good thing, because I've been waiting for the unbearable sadness to kick in. Frankly, I should be feeling that after five good years are so viciously ripped away from me.
Yay for sadness.
Today I was supposed to take a nice drive down to New York City with my good friends Immanuela and Dave. I was pretty psyched because a) Dave is pseudo-famous and I was name dropping like crazy and b) I figured it would be tons of fun with them.
Unfortunately, this morning at 10am (keep in mind we were scheduled to leave at 2:30pm) Dave called telling me this weekend turns out not to be so good for extenuating circumstances.
Well, I certainly wasn't about to drive down to NYC by myself. I ain't no bitch, plus it would suck. So, now I'm planning on bussing down, leaving at 11:45pm and arriving at 7:15am. The trip is actually an hour shorter than a day trip because there is only one rest stop. So, bonus!
Another bonus is that I get to see the Summit! I was worried I was going to miss the Improv Summit this weekend and ALSO Vaganza (the 24 hour show) next month. Now at least I get to see one, and even party a little bit afterwards! Wahoo!
Now back to the regularly scheduled program of me talking about my feelings and bullshit like that.
This past weekend I was in Lake Tahoe with my bros and friends. I was the youngest person there by about five years which was a little bit awkward.
What's interesting is the way my personality changes when I'm around my brothers. They are both kind of loud and obnoxious and they like being funny. In general I am very similar to them. But when I'm around them, I quiet myself. I stay almost totally silent. I don't make jokes, I don't act funny, nothing.
I think I really just want to distance myself from what I see in them. I find my brothers so annoying and childish and repulsive sometimes. I'm really scared that that is what I'm like to other people.
An unexpected side effect to my sitting quietly for long periods of time is that I had a lot of time to think. I ended thinking of Lindsey a lot. I got sad. I think my anger is generally subsiding, and now I get really sad when I think back on what I've lost. I think that's a good thing, because I've been waiting for the unbearable sadness to kick in. Frankly, I should be feeling that after five good years are so viciously ripped away from me.
Yay for sadness.
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